A First Date

There was no more control. There was no more filter. There was no possible way I could contain myself any longer. I had been on the brink of an emotional pitfall and I was tumblin’ down the rabbit hole.

Wakin’ up next to Kevin on New Year’s Day was more than I could have asked for. I don't know how long he had been awake, but when I opened my eyes, he was already lookin’ at me. There had been no time for words the night before. I had no intentions of taintin’ the moment with what could have been catastrophic emotions, needs, wants...and unrealistic promises.

My body reacted to his gaze as though his eyes were the key to ignitin’ some magnetic force between the two of us. I could feel myself bein’ pulled to him by some unseen rope -- wrapped round my head, my heart, and soul. Our body heat roiled and collided around us, envelopin’ our bodies in its energy-charged warmth.

All of the things I had ever thought of sayin’, I now physically needed so desperately, there was no turnin’ back. There was no choice...as though I would have had one anyhow. It was all so very much on the forefront of my mind. Even my burnin’ desire to just replay the previous night's events, couldn't stop the verbal vomit that spewed from my mouth.

Somehow, he managed to sit silently and ate it all up like a baby penguin. If Rachel had been a fly on the wall, I knew what she would be sayin’. “Yack. Disgusting.”

And maybe it was. If there was ever a moment where I have felt a complete and absolute loss of control...it was that moment when I finally told him I loved him. It wasn't the first thing I said...or the last. I mucked it up somewhere in the middle.

“I can't believe you came for me,” I’d blurted out. “You have no idea how much it means to me. I've missed you. And I don't know if you've missed me...and I don't know who that girl was that you were out with. I'm sorry I ran away like that. Did you know I was runnin’ from you? It doesn't matter. You're here now,” I ranted on.

“I know it's not right...it's not fair for me to say it out loud. But I need you Kevin. I need you in my life. And I want you. I want you as more than just a friend. I don't want anybody else to have you. I want you to be mine.

“There's no way to make it right. I know it's more than I should ever ask...it's more than I probably even deserve to want. But I can't hide from it anymore Kevin. I miss you even when we're in the same room. I love you Kevin. I don't know what to do about that! I don't know where to go from here...

“I'm so scared of losin’ you. I'm terrified of not having’ you in my life...that it won't work. Can't work. And we won't be able to be friends if it doesn't...and then what? I can't risk losin’ my best friend. It terrifies me to do it. But I don't know that I can continue to be what we are. What are we? We've never talked about it.

“I mean...we've never gone on a real date. Hell I've never really dated anybody. Or rather, nobody has ever had to date me. Nobody has ever had to swoon me like that. I mean, the couple of boyfriends I had in high school don't really count do they – a few football games and dances, or a movie every once in a while? But since the accident? I just end up...well you know. And then that's it. Nothin’ more, nothin’ less. No effort needed. I don't even know what that would be like...”

“Jeaux.”

I tried to say something else.

“Jeaux.”

I stopped talkin’ as his finger pressed against my lips.

At some point his expression had changed from that half drunk, half sleepy look of lovers still baskin' in post-copulatory bliss, to something stronger; something more attentive; something more fervent.

“Go on a date with me Jeaux. A real date.”

“Kevin...I don't know. What am I doin’? What are we doin’?”

“We've never had to define it before Jeaux. We don't have to define it today. We love each other. That's all that matters.”

“We love each other?”

“Yes Jeaux. I love you. And if you love me...then there's nothing else we need to worry about.”

What can I say? The next two days were heaven. We spent the rest of New Year’s Day loungin’ in the hotel, much to Rachel’s disdain. We were not easily roused from our room. Rachel had been officially kicked out, but busied herself in the shops around town, leavin’ us alone. It was like being on a mini-weekend vacation. Something fancy people that had houses in the Hamptons did. I felt grown up all of a sudden – like I was turnin’ a page to open a new chapter in my life. It felt good. Damn good.

We were like a real couple. There were no awkward moments when I had to feel guilty and he had to be understandin’. I wanted nothin’ but to look at him -- feel him, hold him, smell him…hear his voice. There was no impulse to do anything else, because I wanted nothin’ else. Had we been the last two people alive on the planet, I probably wouldn’t have noticed anyone missin’. Everything and everyone I had ever wanted were wrapped into a perfect package and sat before me.

We crossed boundaries we’d never crossed before. The rules that constitute the “Friends with Benefits” handbook had been tossed aside. For instance, the three day rule was out the window. Obviously. And waitin’ a certain number of pre-meditated minutes before replyin’ to texts seemed silly. There weren’t enough hours in the day as it was! Then, of course, before, I had been careful to never ask a question that I may not want to hear the answer to. But now, we were askin’ questions about anything and everything -- it was no holds barred. And I was bein’ completely honest with him. And it was okay.

Then, before I knew it, it was the big day -- our first real-life date. I hadn’t been given any details, other than I was to “dress comfortably.” Which left me in a whole new state of panic, because, let’s be real for a minute, no girl is goin’ to go on her first date with a guy she’s in love with in jeans and a t-shirt. I immediately disregarded the idea to call Rachel. (I had been avoidin’ her a bit, I’ll admit. I was a little hesitant to let her pop my balloon of delusionary bliss.) I wanted to look nice, I decided, but more like myself.

I finally chose a little black dress, gray leggings, black boots and a wrap. It wasn’t too dressy, but got my point across I think. I hoped. What if it was totally inappropriate for what he had planned? My knees quaked. Calm down! I ordered myself, as I felt another round of hysteria knockin’ on my door.

Then, creepily on cue, there was a knock on my door. Findin’ the clock on the wall, I couldn’t believe it was actually time. With suddenly sweaty palms, a huge lump in my throat, and nervous butterflies hijackin’ my body, I made my way to the door. I stood there for a minute, tryin’ to make it seem as though I hadn’t been just standin’ there waitin’ for his knock. I hadn’t in fact…but still…I dunno, guess some rules stick.

I opened the door to flowers.

I think it was a little weird for both of us. Good weird, but weird. We had seen each other naked…sure. But somehow, I felt more vulnerable at that moment, than I had when my clothes were off. Never havin’ allowed ourselves to look at one another in that light, we both just took a moment and stared. He was beautiful - all handsome and smilin’ with a big bouquet in his hands. And the way he was lookin’ at me…I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. Maybe…the only woman.

“You look amazing,” he finally said, breakin’ the heavy silence.

“Thank you. I hope it’s not too dressy,” I said feelin’ my cheeks flush.

“You’re perfect. Ready? Oh, here,” he replied pushin’ the flowers into my hands. He was all twitchy. I tried to hide my amused smile at his obvious discomfort. But he was so cute.

“They’re beautiful. Thank you. Let me just go put these in water and we can go,” I said buryin’ my face into the bouquet, and smellin’ each bloom one by one. We hadn’t even made it to our first destination and I was already swoonin’.




The restaurant he took me to was uptown and he knew it was one of my favorites. Well, dreamt of favorites, as I always just talked about how nice I was sure it had to be, on the drive by to some other place. It sat high on top of the bluff lookin’ over the ocean. A large patio ran around the back, facin’ the water, and a boat dock sat down below, connected by a long set of stairs.

The restaurant was already filled with people, it bein’ Friday night date night I guess. Those waitin’ on tables, milled about, up and down the steps, along the boat dock, and in the parkin’ lot.

When we made our way to the hostess stand, I was impressed to hear the Kevin had made a reservation. Unfortunately, we were still goin’ to have to wait. The bar was packed with people as well, but afraid that I’d ruin our dinner somehow by…oh, I dunno…jumpin’ off a cliff or something, I opted to stay inside.

Pushin’ our way towards the bar, Kevin ordered us drinks as I tried to make a hole somewhere for us to stand.

We toasted to our first date, rather clumsily, but both giggled at our awkwardness.

“So let’s play one of your little games while we wait,” Kevin suggested.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Sure you do. You know what you do. Let’s fuck with somebody.”

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, and then gasped in mock dismay, “I do not FUCK with people.”

“Leavin’ little messages on toilet paper rolls for drunk girls at bars isn’t fuckin’ with people?”

“Those messages are quite often enlightening and insightful, I’ll have you know.”

“Yeah I bet. And I’m sure nobody ever wonders how they all seem to be so perfectly reflective of their own lives.”

It was true. If I found myself in front of a girl in line for the bathroom, and I had seen her at the bar, I would often write notes on the toilet paper that I deemed…er, apropos.

Here, there was a good mix of girlfriends laughin’ and gettin’ toasty, deep in conversation as they huddled around their tiny tables. There were singles, and regulars havin’ a quiet drink at the bar. Couples, new and old…young and old. I had a little game, where I would try and calculate how long I thought they’d been together. It was normally pretty easy to guestimate. New lovers always had that aura of romance where the hands pull at one another with a mind of their own, and the kisses are delivered without concern of onlookers. The married couples were different. But every once in a while, some would surprise me. I’d see tiny gestures, and practical acts of kindness, delivered with small but meaningful smiles of appreciation. And then of course, there are those random moments of surprise when I find the pair that’s been together forever, and still acts like a couple of teenagers in heat.

And then of course there are the single guys forever on the prowl. Some are handsome; some are not. Some will get lucky and some…well most…will not. I could see two of them at the bar right away. They were practically droolin’ over the girls next to them, and I’m pretty sure the drinks in the ladies’ hands had been compliments of these same gentlemen. The guys’ poor attempts at conversation were bein’ politely rebuffed by the girls. I knew they wouldn’t be going home with these guys. Question was, did the guys know? They wouldn’t quit. I watched the blonde turn her back towards one of them at least three times, but still, like a gnat that refuses to buzz-off, the dude was persistent.

Light-bulb.

“Still got that fistful of condoms in your jacket?” I asked.

I had teased him before about not grabbin’ a couple “just in case” and so he decided to shove damn near the whole box into his pocket. Yeah- that’d show me…like we’d really need that many. Would we? Naa.

“Yeah,” he chuckled, “I got a few.”

“Put them on the bar.”

“What?”

“Just grab a handful, set them on the bar, and walk away. Don’t look at anybody square in the eye, and they won’t even notice what you’re doin’.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Yes! Do you want to play my game or not?”

“Okay then.”

His back stiffened like a teenage boy walkin’ up to the counter to buy the damn things for the first time. What a wuss! I wanted to squeal at him. (But that wasn’t something a girlfriend would do was it? That was the reaction of a buddy, a pal...I didn’t know really. Don’t know. Stupid rules.)

Pullin’ the condoms from his pocket, he left a small pile on the bar-top and turned, practically trippin over the barstool like he was a thief tryin’ clumsily to flee the scene of a crime.

Rushin’ back to my side with a silly grin on his face, he asked, “Now what?”

“Now we stand back and watch. Okay, which one do you think will go for them first?”

“No way! You think these guys are just gonna…” but he stopped short in surprise.

Already, one meek lookin’ little fellow was makin’ his way toward the pile. I smiled. He, I had not figured would be the first. Slow to start, but the closer he got the quicker he moved, like a carnivore stalkin’ his prey, till he’d caught the small golden package of symbolic hope that he would be laid. Sad truth of it was, I was sure, that he had yet to find any actual “prey” for the night.

Another guy sittin’ within arm’s reach of the pile, plucked one up like a frog catchin’ a fly.

Kevin chuckled again beside me, his grin stretched ear to ear.

“Pathetic isn’t it?” I asked teasingly.

“Actually…a little bit, yes,” he agreed with a nod and a smile.

Then finally, the two charmers spied the pile! Just as I had suspected, both took at least three, gave one another a little low-fly high-five and ventured back toward the ladies with a new swag. Sorry boys, I thought, no amount of condoms or confidence will be gettin’ you two laid by those girls tonight.

“Poor guys, they don’t even know they don’t stand a chance,” I said shakin’ my head.

“Why? Those girls haven’t told them to shove-off or anything.”

“You can just tell. Those two aren’t interested in anybody tonight. They’re flyin’ solo.”

“How can you tell that just by watchin’ them for three minutes?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I dunno. Just can. Maybe I’m wrong…but prolly not.”

“See-it’s that kind of shit that makes dating some damn hard!”

Then he grinned at me with a flourish as though something sparked his mind. And with a yank of my hips, we were one of those disgustingly happy pairs of lovers, I’d just talked about. It was nice - I had to admit - bein’ in the lovers’ seat, and not the bitter, cynical, and only semi-jealous spectators’.

We were interrupted by the buzz of our little square box, indicatin’ our table was ready.

The drinks were plenty, the food was divine, and the silence when we ate was still comfortable.

When we had finished our meals, I only then realized that I had managed to make it through nearly an entire dinner without havin’ any odd urges, or outright displays of “crazy.”

Risin’ from his chair, Kevin dropped a hundred dollar bill on the receipt plate and came around to my side of the table. Holdin’ out his hand, he asked in a very courtly manner, “Would you accompany me down to the docks m’lady?”

“Why certainly sir,” I said, smilin’ like a goofball I’m sure. “What are we goin’ to the docks for?” I asked in a more serious tone.

“You’ll see.” He was just full of surprises tonight.



In a little fishin’ boat, he’d borrowed from a friend, I found myself bein’ carried out into the middle of the ocean in the dark of night. There was a cooler, with a cheesecake and strawberries for dessert, a bottle of wine, and two little plastic champagne glasses. There was even a candle stickin’ out the side pocket.

As we lost sight of the restaurant and the waves came to a calm, he slowed the motor to a crawl allowin’ us to coast over the water glitterin’ by the light of the full moon.

A few splashes ahead of us managed to break the haze of peaceful serenity that had settled over us.

“What’s that?” I asked unable to hide my anxiety.

“I don’t know,” he replied quietly, peerin’ into the distance. “Oh Jeaux! Look, I think it’s dolphins.”

“No. Seriously?” I asked, tryin’ to squeeze in beside him for a better look. “What if it’s sharks.”

“I don’t think so Jeaux. Look. It’s dolphins I swear it. I’m gonna turn off the engine, I don’t want them to get to close to the propellers, we’re heading right for them.”

He was right. It was only a moment later, that we coasted further out and could see without question that it was in fact a small group of dolphins.

“Wouldn’t it be a cool job to work at Sea World or something where you get to work with them all the time? Swim with them? Learn their language. There’s a whole world down there we don’t yet understand,” Kevin spoke aloud but it was more of an aside. I’m sure he wasn’t even really talkin’ to me. And he definitely wasn’t intendin’ on plantin’ the little seed in my head that he did.

I was takin’ off my clothes before he could turn around.

“What are you doing?”

“I want to swim with them.”

“Are you serious right now? Jeaux, the water is freezing! You can’t go in there.”

“Sure I can,” I answered, and didn’t wait for him to talk me down further. Steppin’ up onto the seat, I dove from the side, and sliced into the water with hardly a splash. I couldn’t open my eyes in the salty water, like it would help in the dark, but it drove me crazy to not see what I could have possibly been swimmin’ right into.

When I broke the surface, I saw Kevin first, starin’ at me, a little mad I think, and a little excited. He pointed behind me and said something, though I couldn’t quite make out what it was. Turnin’ around, I gasped. They were so close. I could almost touch them, but didn’t want to scare them away. So, like one would do around any other animal they didn’t want to panic, I tried my best to act like they weren’t there. I swam.

Then they were all around me. Swimmin’ and playin’, they splashed around me like I was an accepted member of the family. I wanted to cry. I think I might have been cryin’. It was the most amazin’ thing I’ve ever experienced. There really are just no words I could express to properly describe it.

One little curious guy, came so close his fin brushed my thigh. I jerked at the touch, and couldn’t keep my small cry of surprise silent.

And just like that, they were gone. It was just me in the big, dark, cold ocean water. Cold. Very cold. Suddenly aware of just how cold, I propelled myself into high gear for the boat.

Kevin pulled me back into the boat, callin’ me crazy, and tellin’ me how I was gonna die of pneumonia. But, I knew he wasn’t mad. His eyes looked just like mine felt…full of wonder.

My teeth were already startin’ to chatter.

The Texas air was still warm for January, but the water was not. Quickly, Kevin took off his jacket and I thought he was goin’ to wrap it around me, but he put it on the bench behind him.

“Body heat’s best.”

“Of course,” I agreed dumbly.


Our eyes locked and in that moment our history together was somehow forgotten. The fear and uncertainty was gone as well. He was brand new…but still, he was home too.

In the bottom of the boat, I leaned back against the side-wall, and watched as he removed his shirt and pants. Cuddlin’ up to me, his body was in fact like a furnace against my skin, calmin’ my clatterin’ teeth nearly immediately. The curves of his chest muscles pressed against my breasts made my body grow even warmer. I could feel the blood rushin’ hot through my veins now - each heartthrob felt against his own fuelling the flame until I felt like I was a fire that needed to be put out.

Allowin’ my impulses to gladly take hold, I let my hands roam free, pawin’ and pullin’ at his body, pressin’ him closer against mine, never quite satisfied that it was close enough.

Wound up in one another, we matched fold for fold like a puzzle, each piece fallin’ easily into place. His breath was hot on my neck, and just a little wet, turnin’ me on even more. And his hands searched over the curves of my body with an added fervor, I swear hadn’t been there before.

“I love you Jeaux,” he whispered hot in my ear. I don’t know how long I had waited to hear him say those words to me, but it felt like a life-time.

Then he slid the last piece into place, and I was home again. Our moans called out against the waves splashin’ along the sides of the rockin’ boat. My fingers dug into his back, as though I was afraid he would pull away…wantin’ more…needing more…desperately holdin’ tight to him and all that he now meant to me. All I had allowed him to mean to me.

I small rush of panic and fear attempted to push its way into my head, but I pressed it back down again.

It was soft, and hard. Fast and slow. He kissed my mouth and brushed my hair from my face, and whispered sweet nothings against my cheek. It was everything.

When I felt the familiar surge, and shudder of his shoulders and biceps, we came to a slow stop. Layin’ there enmeshed in each other’s arms, I listened as his heart rate found its way back to normal.

“So what now?” I asked breakin’ my number one commandment. I was afraid of what his answer might be. One voice in my head afraid, the other tellin’ me it was okay. I tried not to cringe as I waited for his answer.

“Only tomorrow knows.”

Then he kissed me again. And again. And again…